The first week..

So my first week of being a full time work at home mom did not go as well as planned. For some reason I found myself floundering about. I woke up each morning with a sense of trepidation. I felt kind of lost and confused. I though perhaps at first it was because I just hadn't fully accepted my new position. As the week ended I realized that I couldn't go forward until I got rid of my anxiety. So what was causing my anxiety? I felt like I couldn't go forward until I had cleaned up my space and made it less stressful. My house was a mess. My organization was all over the place and I couldn't stop feeling overwhelmed. SO this weekend, I cleaned my bedroom. It wasn't the whole house but if you had seen it you would understand. For three years, my bedroom was no longer mine. My kids have turned it into a dirty, messy and disgusting toy room. Candy wrappers, food, cups, plates and broken toys all over the place. It caused me great distress every night as I climbed into bed.

Well, no longer. I swept, cleaned, scrubbed and shampooed. I rearranged the furniture and reorganized until it no longer looked like the same room. Then I sat the kids down and told them the new rules. No more using mommies room as a playroom. Last night I crawled into bed and took a deep breath and realized, I could think once more. It was more than just cleaning a room. It was decluttering my life and my thoughts. It felt really good and I think I may have even giggled a little. It was liberating. I am looking forward to this next week.

Not all of it was bad...

Anyone who knows me also knows that my childhood stories are scary nightmares. My stories usually consist of my fond memories of the simply bizarre. An adopted mother who acted bipolar and an alcoholic adopted father who did his best to drown himself. But I know deep down, I have some good memories. I think what usually happens is that the bad outweigh the good. So, my mission is to try and remember some of the good.

So some good memories of my childhood:

My dad had a big garden. Something I can only appreciate now. To have had fresh vegetables every day and not go to the grocery store.

My mother, made the best taco salads.

When my dad would take my brothers fishing, my mom would rent musicals and get pizza we'd have a girls night with my little sister and I.

One christmas a family in the church treated my family to a "secret friend" themed with the 12 days of christmas. Each of the 12 days of christmas a new gift was left at our mailbox or front lawn with a poem. It was exciting to see what would come next. It was very special and really made that christmas a cherished memory.

It's good to know that there are some good memories of childhood. It hurts to relive some of them because they make me sad. But they exist, and that is a start.