The next step....

So what's new in this journey? Well, I finally pulled on my big girl panties and left my husband. I tried to do the living as friends things but it became clear very quickly, that was not going to work. So I rented a piece of crap apartment, got my old job back and I'm currently searching for a second job. Yep, life is good. OK, so maybe not perfect but it's my life again. I am no longer the wife who just sits back and takes the crap. No more. I have a new life and it's all mine. And my kids. The kids are doing OK. I know they want mommy and daddy to have worked things out but I think someday they will understand. I hope so anyway. So I've learned a few things the past couple of months.

1. Ramen noodles are cheap and easy. They also taste like crap.
2. Cheap apartments, are cheap for a reason.
3. Eating healthy, is freaking expensive. 
4. Hand me down clothes are a blessing. 
5. "Gently used" doesn't mean much of anything. 
6. Super glue can fix almost anything. 
7. Kids are pretty strong. Sometimes stronger than adults. 
8. Friends don't always have YOUR best interest at heart. 
9. Love can happen again.
10. You can live with out 230 channels of crap. (I do miss HBO though) 

I wonder what I will learn next month. The holidays are coming and I am frankly dreading them. My first holiday season as a single mom. Oh joy! I hope the super glue can put me back together if I crack.

Sing me the blues, then drown me in happiness.

So it's been a couple of weeks since my last post and I have somehow pulled myself off the floor and crawled back into my skin. I won't lie, it hurt. But now it's left me with a new perspective on my life, and where I'm going. I think it should have been a wake up call that for most of my marriage, I've been on anti-depressants with NO or little success. Or that every page in my journal speaks volumes of my loneliness for years. You would have thought that the fact he slept in the basement for almost 6 years would also have been a wake up call. Not to mention his addictions that were never quite under control. But I think we don't see these things. We don't want too or we convince ourselves that they will get better. Well, they didn't. At first I regretted speaking up months ago about all this, because I thought it caused his affair. I thought if I had just kept my mouth shut and kept trying by myself, we would've been OK. That of course would be a lie. One I could no longer live.
His girlfriend left him by the way. Perhaps I should have felt some happiness for that but I didn't. What was the point? I feel no need for revenge or vindictiveness. Honestly. We are still a long way from being friends but I am trying to focus on myself and my future. A future with hope for love and happiness again. Maybe my old friend loneliness will finally take a back seat to fulfillment and self-sufficiency. Who knows. So back to work, and back to the world of being single. Or separated and soon to be single anyway.

Heartbreak and darkness an end of a marriage...

So it's been awhile since I last posted. Things in my life have taken a dramatic change. My husband of 12 years, has fallen in love with another woman and I am trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and be happy for him. You see, it's my fault. I wasn't happy with a long history of addiction on his part, loneliness and feelings of abandonment on mine, I wanted..... I needed change. So in my brilliance I told him I just wanted to try and live as friends for now. It was my hope that as friends, we would once again see the things we once liked in each other and start getting along again. Also, keep our family together. He didn't agree and fought me tooth and nail. He was heartbroken and didn't understand. He cried for weeks. So finally last week, I decided to give him another chance. And he was happy again. Within 3 days, on my home from a day at the pool with the kids he calls me to tell me, hes going on a date. BAM! What!!??? Seriously? Ouch.
Yep, that's right. He has fallen in love with an old friend he met on facebook just this past week. My heart, to my surprise, shattered. I had to pull over the car on the side of the road, get out and throw up and cry. My poor children watched from the back seat in confusion. I called a friend to come talk me down enough for me to get home.
Its been 3 days since that day. He is so happy. Giddy even. And I am trying to be happy for him. I am trying to not break down completely. To not curl up in a corner and give into the heartbreak and darkness I feel inside. And it hurts. It hurts because I realize what I've lost. It hurts because I have never felt so alone in my life. He keeps telling me how great she is and how much I'm going to like her. He keeps telling me how the kids are going to like her. And I keep feeling more and more of whats left of my heart break off and disintegrate. Getting out of bed is my greatest challenge. Trying not to let the kids or him see me break down is my second daily challenge.

And where do I go from here? How do I go on from here? I know that the pain will eventually start to heal, but for now, it hurts so much I can't breathe. But I smile and quietly tell everyone, I'm ok and walk away before they see the truth in my eyes.

Beware the rising dead people!

Ok, so if you haven't heard (how can you not) the world is ending on October 21st. The rapture is tomorrow at 6:00 pm. What that means is people like me will be staying behind to fight it out in a post-apocalyptic sort of world. Really, no different than everyday, right?? So I won't bother writing anymore as I am going to start a lottery with my neighbors to divvy up the goods and hot tub of those lucky christians who will be leaving us tomorrow. (What? Someone has to use it, I hate waste)

Read this article just in case you get left behind. For those of you who won't be around anymore...  I never really liked you anyway.

Endless spring

Another cold rainy day in this endless spring. Normally I love spring. It comes with a mix of warm sunshine and some rainy days but this is ridiculous. I don't know if what I am feeling lately is a mirror of the rain or the other way around. It seems to all be the same. Ugh!

So I've been perusing youtube a lot lately, sort of looking for some of the old songs to hear again and I came across a beautiful version of "Send me an Angel". Orginally sung by the scorpions. In this version they are joined by a singer named Liel Kolet. Very pretty voice.

The diary of a mental breakdown.

I am having one of those years where I have finally fallen to my knees and yelled to the universe "What the Hell?!?!!" Am I not deserving of some sort of love? Does everything have to be a challenge on me? I wish I could say that I have lived as much as I have dreamed. I wish I could say that my life brings me joy and happiness and that being a mother is the best thing ever. I wish I could say my marriage was fine and I am happily in love. I wish I could say that I knew who I was and could stride forward in confidence without fear. I can't. I won't.

Does anybody? Does anybody really truly live without fear. Live ever flowing with the changes and still come out as the same person? If life is change then shouldn't change be second nature to us? Why does it also have to destroy as it builds? So I am stuck, asking more questions then willing to look for the answers. Because I know the answers. I'm just not ready to face them. Instead, I will probably just scream at the universe some more.

A little bit of sugar

If you read my blogs then you know for certain one thing about me. I HATE the news. I HATE the fear-mongering over inflated and frankly stupid FOX news and other "news" channels. They are not news. News would be reporting what is actually going on, you know "facts". Not the opinions of a biased and frankly ignorant group of people who talk before they think.

So how do I keep up with what's going on in the world? Sometimes I read the Huffington Post. Sometimes I read what comes up on Latest Headlines or what is posted in the local news. But my favorite is Satirical news. Its news with a dose of sugar in the form of humor to make it go down a little better. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart or The Colbert Report, make news fun and you still get some facts mixed in. Frankly, it makes me not want to go jump off a bridge. I recently came across a great blog, One Nation Under Mom that really had me rolling and I highly recommend. Yes, it's satire and opinion but it's funny. Best of both worlds. Check it out, and enjoy it. Life is too damn short for anything else.

I was Sucker Punched..

So, went to see the movie Sucker Punch last night with my BFF. It looked cool. I mean, come on, girls in cool and sexy costumes fighting and kicking ass. Well, it's now been 12 hours since I saw it and I still don't get it. I have no idea what the movie was trying to say. Maybe, I just expect movies to have a point of or even a plot. But this movie, well, I must be missing something. The costumes WERE awesome. The violence was abundant. The music rocked. (going to get the soundtrack for the gym) But the story line was so damn confusing. I can't wrap my head around what was real and wasn't. Perhaps, I'm not supposed to. Perhaps they wanted to make it so people who don't really get it will say it was artistic and you have to be of a certain kind of person to understand the subtle (or not so subtle) nuance of this movie. To sum it up, Baby Doll the blonde is sent to a mental institution where her dirty stepfather pays secretly to have her lobotomized. She goes from a dreary institution to suddenly a club of "dancers". She discovers that when she dances she can enter another fantasy completely where she has a sword and is fighting to survive. The people around her are almost hypnotized by the fantasy. Soon, the other girls become part of it and they are trying to find items in order to escape. Basically its a fantasy on top of another fantasy and you're not really sure who is in on it and who isn't. The ending, well I won't spoil it but did not bring it all together like I was hoping.

Perhaps, I'm just too old to understand it.

Ask, question and evolve.

Believe nothing on the faith of traditions,
even though they have been held in honor
for many generations and in diverse places.
Do not believe a thing because many people speak of it.
Do not believe on the faith of the sages of the past.
Do not believe what you yourself have imagined,
persuading yourself that a God inspires you.
Believe nothing on the sole authority of your masters and priests.
After examination, believe what you yourself have tested
and found to be reasonable, and conform your conduct thereto.
~Buddha

News as you should hear it!

I don't watch the news anymore. In fact, it's been almost a year since I actually sat and watched the news. It didn't matter what station I watched. To me it was all depressing, overly inflated, politicized fear mongering and rhetoric that made me feel like strangling someone or throwing a brick through a window. It may be that I am just overly empathetic to feelings but trust me, it was not a good combination for me. The only news I do watch anymore is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert. It's news in small pieces and mix of humor and opinion that doesn't leave me feeling like killing someone. (I do read the news but typically the Huffington post.)

So in true Jon Stewart Style, Here is your moment of Zen...

The Daily Show
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

On you next walk, watch out for giant reptiles!

Imagine taking fluffy out for a walk and passing a 5 foot monitor lizard. Or better yet, your neighbors escaped pet tiger. I'm starting to wonder if maybe the US needs to rethink the whole "what is a pet" policy. (before my kids get eaten) I suppose I could always use it as a threat... "Clean your room or I will feed you to the smiths pet monitor lizard!"

Godzilla in the Burbs!

A book review of sorts...

I just finished the Hunger Games trilogy, and all I can say is... WOW. No series has had such a profound effect on how I feel and how I view my day to day life. I had no idea why. For some reason I identified so strongly with the main character Katniss. No, I've never had to live in such a state or had to kill others in a game of sport for the wealthy elite, but in my own personal way, I lived my own hunger games. My childhood was anything but nice and cozy. In fact I can honestly say that everyday was a fight for me and younger siblings. From the time we woke up to the time we went to bed it was a fight to survive.

It would be a really long blog if I went into the specifics of the series and no one wants to here me drone on in book report fashion. But I do highly recommend these books. From the moment I picked it up I could not put them down. They put you into a world of fear and abuse by a government on it's people that can only be challenged by extreme change and rebellion of the people. Triggered by a 16 year old girl (Katniss) simply trying to stay alive, the rebellion takes off and leaves a wake of pain and tragedy for everyone involved but especially for Katniss. The choices she has to make in order to survive kept me at the edge of my seat.

The Hunger Games

Peace to everyone and I hope the winter is treating you all kindly.