Endless spring

Another cold rainy day in this endless spring. Normally I love spring. It comes with a mix of warm sunshine and some rainy days but this is ridiculous. I don't know if what I am feeling lately is a mirror of the rain or the other way around. It seems to all be the same. Ugh!

So I've been perusing youtube a lot lately, sort of looking for some of the old songs to hear again and I came across a beautiful version of "Send me an Angel". Orginally sung by the scorpions. In this version they are joined by a singer named Liel Kolet. Very pretty voice.

The diary of a mental breakdown.

I am having one of those years where I have finally fallen to my knees and yelled to the universe "What the Hell?!?!!" Am I not deserving of some sort of love? Does everything have to be a challenge on me? I wish I could say that I have lived as much as I have dreamed. I wish I could say that my life brings me joy and happiness and that being a mother is the best thing ever. I wish I could say my marriage was fine and I am happily in love. I wish I could say that I knew who I was and could stride forward in confidence without fear. I can't. I won't.

Does anybody? Does anybody really truly live without fear. Live ever flowing with the changes and still come out as the same person? If life is change then shouldn't change be second nature to us? Why does it also have to destroy as it builds? So I am stuck, asking more questions then willing to look for the answers. Because I know the answers. I'm just not ready to face them. Instead, I will probably just scream at the universe some more.