Who are you again???

We were given homework, at work. Really. I thought my days of having to do research and homework were over but alas, no. The project was to write our own Mission statement for our animal hospital. It was a project that was supposed to help us feel like part of the bigger picture of the business itself. While researching mission statements online I came across a site that spoke of making personal mission statements. It started with thinking of five words that expressed who you are and what you stand for. Wow, that should have been easy. After all, for the past 3 years I have been working on myself and bettering my life right? So why on earth could I not come up with 5 simple words to express who I am? Even worse, the words I could come up with I wasn't even convinced of!

It has upset me greatly but I have now realized that I have no idea who I am now. I have no clue what I stand for or what words would describe who I am. How could this have happened? The only thing I can think of is that somehow in my mission to change and reinvent my life, I forgot an important step in the process. I forgot the discovery of who this new person is and what she stands for. I rebuilt this life I am currently in but forgot a very important part of the foundation. This could be bad for the future of anything I have built if its not backed by solid foundation right? So that is my newest mission. I need to figure out who I am now and what I stand for. Granted, it will change. All things that move forward change or they die. It's that simple. But for now at least I need something to start with. So I need to figure out the five words that describe me and I need to believe them. 

Mission accepted. First I need some more coffee. 

Rednecks go a rollin...

So it looks like we may be moving. This redneck gaggle of geese is searching for a new home. Or a home altogether. After crunching the numbers again and again we've come to the conclusion that we simply cannot afford to keep living here. This house, is literally suffocating us financially. So, we need smaller digs. Now with 5 permanent residents and 2 weekend floaters, this will be a feat like no other. I'm not really looking forward to this. We already have so many issues I'm not sure that moving is going to improve that. But financially it may be our own option.

The old man wants to move closer to his home in Coal country Pa. It's a poor area for sure. However, we would have his family as a support system. Well, more than what we have now. That's pretty sad to admit. And this area of Pennsylvania is REAL redneck. This are is where all those redneck jokes were created.

No seriously....

Banjo playing redneck.

Hey, maybe we could get a trailer with a Muddin wheels for off roadin!

Redneck Brady Bunch

You know I've heard it said that change is an incredible journey that makes us all better and stronger people. Well in my most humble opinion... change sucks big monkey balls.

So I logged in today to see what I've missed in the past year. I think I missed myself to be honest. I am reading my old posts and it shocks me. So last year, my husband and I separated and I moved out. Off to change my life and conquer the world! And I'm still desperately trying. Sorry, no girl power, ass kicking happy ending.... yet. I'm still struggling. Learning to live on the edge of poverty and homelessness. And with two kids to boot. But I'm still alive and in search of true happiness and peace. I started dating a guy last year who has 3 girls of his own. They are 10, 12 and 15 years old. (did I mention all girls?) We are currently sharing a house and trying to figure out how the hell life handed us each other. If two people were more meant for each other just based on our incredible bad luck, it's us. In case you are wondering, 5 kids is a hell of a lot worse than just two. My kids are 5 and 8 years old. It's almost the damn Brady Bunch without the smiling and quirky joviality.

Although there is a lot of stress, tears and worry, there is also a  lot of happiness and love. In our own way. We are not the Brady Bunch. By a long shot. We are more of a motley group of souls looking for our own happy ending. I was thinking of renaming this blog and deleting some of my old posts but decided against it. A journey begins somewhere right? And it continues.

The next step....

So what's new in this journey? Well, I finally pulled on my big girl panties and left my husband. I tried to do the living as friends things but it became clear very quickly, that was not going to work. So I rented a piece of crap apartment, got my old job back and I'm currently searching for a second job. Yep, life is good. OK, so maybe not perfect but it's my life again. I am no longer the wife who just sits back and takes the crap. No more. I have a new life and it's all mine. And my kids. The kids are doing OK. I know they want mommy and daddy to have worked things out but I think someday they will understand. I hope so anyway. So I've learned a few things the past couple of months.

1. Ramen noodles are cheap and easy. They also taste like crap.
2. Cheap apartments, are cheap for a reason.
3. Eating healthy, is freaking expensive. 
4. Hand me down clothes are a blessing. 
5. "Gently used" doesn't mean much of anything. 
6. Super glue can fix almost anything. 
7. Kids are pretty strong. Sometimes stronger than adults. 
8. Friends don't always have YOUR best interest at heart. 
9. Love can happen again.
10. You can live with out 230 channels of crap. (I do miss HBO though) 

I wonder what I will learn next month. The holidays are coming and I am frankly dreading them. My first holiday season as a single mom. Oh joy! I hope the super glue can put me back together if I crack.

Sing me the blues, then drown me in happiness.

So it's been a couple of weeks since my last post and I have somehow pulled myself off the floor and crawled back into my skin. I won't lie, it hurt. But now it's left me with a new perspective on my life, and where I'm going. I think it should have been a wake up call that for most of my marriage, I've been on anti-depressants with NO or little success. Or that every page in my journal speaks volumes of my loneliness for years. You would have thought that the fact he slept in the basement for almost 6 years would also have been a wake up call. Not to mention his addictions that were never quite under control. But I think we don't see these things. We don't want too or we convince ourselves that they will get better. Well, they didn't. At first I regretted speaking up months ago about all this, because I thought it caused his affair. I thought if I had just kept my mouth shut and kept trying by myself, we would've been OK. That of course would be a lie. One I could no longer live.
His girlfriend left him by the way. Perhaps I should have felt some happiness for that but I didn't. What was the point? I feel no need for revenge or vindictiveness. Honestly. We are still a long way from being friends but I am trying to focus on myself and my future. A future with hope for love and happiness again. Maybe my old friend loneliness will finally take a back seat to fulfillment and self-sufficiency. Who knows. So back to work, and back to the world of being single. Or separated and soon to be single anyway.

Heartbreak and darkness an end of a marriage...

So it's been awhile since I last posted. Things in my life have taken a dramatic change. My husband of 12 years, has fallen in love with another woman and I am trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and be happy for him. You see, it's my fault. I wasn't happy with a long history of addiction on his part, loneliness and feelings of abandonment on mine, I wanted..... I needed change. So in my brilliance I told him I just wanted to try and live as friends for now. It was my hope that as friends, we would once again see the things we once liked in each other and start getting along again. Also, keep our family together. He didn't agree and fought me tooth and nail. He was heartbroken and didn't understand. He cried for weeks. So finally last week, I decided to give him another chance. And he was happy again. Within 3 days, on my home from a day at the pool with the kids he calls me to tell me, hes going on a date. BAM! What!!??? Seriously? Ouch.
Yep, that's right. He has fallen in love with an old friend he met on facebook just this past week. My heart, to my surprise, shattered. I had to pull over the car on the side of the road, get out and throw up and cry. My poor children watched from the back seat in confusion. I called a friend to come talk me down enough for me to get home.
Its been 3 days since that day. He is so happy. Giddy even. And I am trying to be happy for him. I am trying to not break down completely. To not curl up in a corner and give into the heartbreak and darkness I feel inside. And it hurts. It hurts because I realize what I've lost. It hurts because I have never felt so alone in my life. He keeps telling me how great she is and how much I'm going to like her. He keeps telling me how the kids are going to like her. And I keep feeling more and more of whats left of my heart break off and disintegrate. Getting out of bed is my greatest challenge. Trying not to let the kids or him see me break down is my second daily challenge.

And where do I go from here? How do I go on from here? I know that the pain will eventually start to heal, but for now, it hurts so much I can't breathe. But I smile and quietly tell everyone, I'm ok and walk away before they see the truth in my eyes.

Beware the rising dead people!

Ok, so if you haven't heard (how can you not) the world is ending on October 21st. The rapture is tomorrow at 6:00 pm. What that means is people like me will be staying behind to fight it out in a post-apocalyptic sort of world. Really, no different than everyday, right?? So I won't bother writing anymore as I am going to start a lottery with my neighbors to divvy up the goods and hot tub of those lucky christians who will be leaving us tomorrow. (What? Someone has to use it, I hate waste)

Read this article just in case you get left behind. For those of you who won't be around anymore...  I never really liked you anyway.

Endless spring

Another cold rainy day in this endless spring. Normally I love spring. It comes with a mix of warm sunshine and some rainy days but this is ridiculous. I don't know if what I am feeling lately is a mirror of the rain or the other way around. It seems to all be the same. Ugh!

So I've been perusing youtube a lot lately, sort of looking for some of the old songs to hear again and I came across a beautiful version of "Send me an Angel". Orginally sung by the scorpions. In this version they are joined by a singer named Liel Kolet. Very pretty voice.